She
lived her art
Inbetween
the dark and the light
I never in my dreams did I
think I would be writing
thses words about Kerry. We spent quite a few years together. We met in
1990 and immediately recognised the art in the other. Her art was
obvious,
mine more hidden, her art my music our dreams ~ our innocent dreams
twisted
into a tale of sadness ~ but as she danced the earth moved with her ~
and
with the wave of her hand she painted the heaven of art that shall live
on.
I met Kerry whilst I was
consumed in writing my
novel, and immediately she was reflecting it in her pictures. Two
hearts
dreams and minds bursting with innocent creativity mirroring to each
other.
We were alive with love and in its' creativity.
Kerry was selling her
paintings and wares at Paddington
Markets on Saturdays which was a good excuse to get me out of the
recording studio. We sold a healthy number of mini pictures of her
paintings,
individually glass framed photographic reproductions were very special
~ typically fifty layed out on black velvet across the table which
looked
simply spectacular because of the contrast of rich colours and
variety
of content ~ especially amongst some of the young girls who would
befriend
characters in her paintings.
Kerrys hopes were denied
especially when a certain
business woman thought it best to screw her with inconsideration. Her
paintings
were to be made into fifty cards accompanied with text and fronted by a
famous astrologer. Distastfully they didn't fulfill their contractual
obligations
and mistreated the essence of workmanship. That's putting it nicely. It
is strange to note that even though her art was loved by so many,
success
in publication always seemed to elude Kerry. It's probable that some
lawyer
in some office would find a clause in some contract to inform me that
certain
pictures must be removed from this site, so I shan't be surprised
although
they would have to fulfill the contract, which is fine by me.
Serious recovery from
being let down just once
too many times was necessary. Kerry had always been into spititual
movement
~ we met via an Egyption Prince which sounds kind of exotic but anyway
.. we were together on this and worked on moving the feelings that felt
they needed to be moved ~ but it was a neverending bucket of feelings
to
be processed. We shared and exchanged deep animal instinctual release
but
still the pit was endless. We tried everything but at some stage I
recognised
it was becoming too much for me. On the good side ~ Kerrys moods pretty
much matched whatever my problem was at the time, so we were good
sparring
partners but both with extreme mood swings. The combination was a
cocktail
that together proved too much for us and we had to separate. That was
several
years ago. We managed to stay close friends and actually sometimes
worked
better together helping out on each others projects. I expanded my
skills
into web site design and posted up Kerrys' art and always suggested and
used her art when I could -- she would visit for tea and draw another
cell
in the storyboard of my novel of madness. I should organise them but
that
will be another day.
Kerry was trying to be
positive to me on the phone,
in the midst of tragedy. It wasn't her first attempt at suicide but she
said to me she wanted to live. And I took that as her being over the
hump,
I sighed relief, but that was our last conversation. But so many things
happened just to make it harder on her, her benefits were swapping over
from social to medical. Well they cut off her social without starting
the
medical hence no money but with NO WARNING! which in her condition
would
have been a real heavy burdon -- they used the excuse they didn't
receive
the papers blah blah which goes to show their departments aren't
co-ordinated.
Also her Kerrys mother became ill and was admited into hospital, I
guess
her mothers illness was again too much pressure.
It's been 13 days since I
found her. It
was obvious I knew it the key was in the door mail at the step and she
was gone and I knew she was gone and there was nothing to do that would
make any difference. And so I did nothing for a while except act in
shock.
I zombied back up to the street, was already running late to visit the
Doctor and thought I'd go there and that was where I'd get help.
But when I got there I was
told my appointment
was missing and the Doc was busy with another and so I just went away
in
quiet disbelief. That was easy, I just went away. Walked the streets
until
Paula got home and she suggested I call the police and I'm probably in
shock. So that was 5 or 6 by then. Gave them the wrong address so when
I got home they had left a message so I had to look up the exact
address
(been there a thousand times) and of course only then did I actually
say
that I saw her because... if I wished enough or held my breath it woud
all go away and Kerry would be her depressed self again. I did not
believe
it and I still did not believe it. And still I find it hard to believe.
And in her paintings from dark to light her last period was very dark.
They express her and are her children and I loved them all, although
the
pain in the last series was an indication she was suffering, but she
suffered
with zeal, embraced her fears and painted without regret or regard for
societies permission totally and wholly honouring her wildness and deep
chakra power.
I am especially grateful
for her belief and hard
work she extended to me to support me in my dream, even in the thick of
our mad screaming behaviour she brought life into the characters. I
guess
I was flattered when she did a series of lovers ~ two shapes flying,
interwined
drifting in loves bliss.
At the time of her death
so much sorrow filled
our hearts that we just did what we could. Her close friends Rick and
Roz
collected Kerrys paintings and some personal things - but they left
much
of her writings, her diary (we had matching diaries) her sketchpad,
paints,
brushes, alter of ritual stones and figurines and call me sentimental,
so I collected and saved what was left and in time I shall post up
more.
Heaven knows why but In doing so I feel I have rekindled a light very
precious
to me. I already have many of Kerry's paintings living with me at home
and now more memorabilia ~ and the rest will be at her parents house.
She
was very dear to me and I find peace in the thought that she is
released
from her earthly chain and living in the dream her soul so very dearly
needed and desired.
Her mother, Biddie who had
just fallen ill just
prior to Kerrys death died in hospital 8 days later.
I re-visited her place a
few days after and it
felt peaceful and still. It appears depression finally overpowered her
and in her depression she chose to release herself from this life. She
needs no forgiveness for she is blameless of any misgivings ~ is
accepted
with all her pain ~ tearily missed and heartfelt as a part of me, as I
burst into sorrow my mind floods dueling on moments shared of ecstatic
dance and movement ~ her powerful war-ish banshee devil cries and shy
delicate
laughs and of course her love that streams from her paintings into my
heart.
May you feel her through
her art.
John Zulaikha
Kerry Heath
1954 - 2001.
